I've had this name for at most a month. Already I'm having to fight for it, fight to keep it, fight to be addressed by it, fight to have it spelled the way it's spelled.
I have fought for twenty-two years to have Hannah respected, yes with the H at the end, no not Anna or Anne or Heather, yes, it is spelled the same way backwards and forwards, I agree, palindromes are pretty cool.
And now, the same fight with a name I chose. Gray. Gray. Gray.
God, just typing it is making me a smidge teary-eyed. GRAY. It's my name. It has an a in it. It doesn't have an e. That was a conscious decision. That was a decision based on the fact that my brain spells the colour "grey," based on the translation "grace" from Hannah, the name I fought to be heard by for so long, the name that is a part of me no matter how dysphoric that makes me.
GRAY. With an A. Gray. Gray. Gray. Gray. Gray.
I don't have a last name yet, because my birth surname sounds terrible with things that don't sound strictly like names: it adjectivizes them. I've decided to use my birth surname as my middle name when I have a new one to replace it with, and until I do I'm officially still closeted under Hannah to most non-internet-only aquaintance people, and that is quickly becoming unbearable.
I've never suffered in the closet before, never been miserable here. I've been awarenedly queer for over three years, never outright said it offline unless somebody asked, and never been bothered by it. So it's strange for me to be openly genderqueer to myself for less than six months and about to explode every time I have to respond to Hannah. I mean, it makes sense, attraction for me just kind of is, while gender is performative, transitory (hence the name trans), it's just kind of a surprise.
So I need a last name. I need a last name, before I burst into tears for calling myself Hannah, for not feeling like I can correct people when they call me Hannah because I haven't given them an alternative.
I hate that paranoia that when I do come out, my transness will be blamed on my mental illnesses.